I Need a Black Voice

I've been volunteering with an awesome organization in South Seattle that tutors kids after school.  I have gone twice a week for the last quarter, and love it so much I've been hired on for the summer.

When I'm there, I'm typically the only white person in the room.

I don't have a problem with being the only white person in the room.  I went to a minority majority high school, and overcame the false notion that "all black people will shoot you" a long time ago. I don't think the kids treat me any different because I'm white--except for suggesting sunscreen when it's hot.

But there is this one thing.  Let me explain:

Ms. Charlene and Abbey left me in charge for a bit so they could pick up the church van.  No problem, I can handle being the only adult in the room.  I do it all the time.

Everything was going great until I looked up from helping Joseph with his poster to see Ryan running around in his socks.

"Ryan, aren't you supposed to be wearing shoes in here?"

"Ms. Charlene said it's fine."

I knew for a fact it is not. "I'm pretty sure you are supposed to be wearing shoes."

"Nooooo!  Abbey said it was okay!"

I rolled my eyes and gave up.  I haven't quite seemed to convince Ryan that I'm an authority figure, and even thought it wouldn't help matters, I didn't feel like having the battle without back up.

A little later, Abbey came in.

"Ryan, I need you to put your shoes on please."

He immediately put his shoes on.

Now it is true that Abbey has been working with Ryan for much longer than I, so he probably respects her authority more than mine.

But there's another difference.

Several of my black friends talk about the need for a "white voice."  They change the way they speak in certain situations to give themselves credibility.

Likewise, I think I need a black voice.

According to the stereotype, for a woman to speak passively and meekly is to be white.  I don't do it naturally. Ever since I was a kid, my parents have told me to stop talking like I know everything. So, I pose statements as questions, "um" and "awe," and try to "speak gently," etc.  I know I often fail miserably with people I know well, but in certain situations, it's the only type of language I can seem to muster.

With my white church kids, it isn't really a problem.  It's a speech code they all understand and can adhere too.  But my South Seattle kids?  It's a completely different ball game.  Their speech codes are different and I need to change to fit their kind of talking.

So, I think I need to learn a black voice.

Thoughts?  I am definitely open to advice here!

White Woman Hair

I love volunteering in the kids classes at my church.  Class size varies, discipline issues vary, over all spirituality varies, but I can put up with all of that stuff if it lets me be with the kids.

On a recent Sunday morning, a fifth grade Latina girl came up to me unexpectedly and said:

"Ms. Rachel!  You have such beautiful hair!"

I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and thought to myself: do I really have beautiful hair?  Or have you be socialized to believe that blonde hair, blue eyes, white skin is beautiful?  Do you think you are beautiful? Why is being beautiful so important to us anyway?  I want you to know that you are more than just beautiful, but an intelligent, capable young woman worth so much more than how you look.

But of course, you cannot necessarily say that to a fifth grade girl, in church, in the middle of the memory verse game.

So, I told her thank you, and we went back to playing.

If I could go back again, I would have told her she was beautiful too.  Affirming her worth--even if I didn't agree with the source--is far more important than the sociological factors that make her need that.

I just had so many words jumbling around in my head that the right ones couldn't seem to squeak past my lips.

Even though I spent the rest of the morning looking for reasons to compliment her on how well she participated and telling her how beautiful she was, I'm not sure it really helped.

I was so disappointed in myself.